What do you do when you're disappointed with God?

I sat sobbing in my shower, allowing the steamy water to roll over my redden skin, wishing it would wash with it the feeling of failure I was nursing. There was no distinction between my tears and the drops of water as I sat there silently wailing, completely overwhelmed with disappointment.

In a matter of weeks, I had gone from seeing the tipping point for my business edge ever closer to watching it slip away, disappearing over the horizon point and back into uncertainty.

I had worked for 18 months to get the contract to this point. That was off the back of five years working parttime and pouring everything I had into the business to grow it. Sacrificing salary and career progression for what I believed God had called me to. It’s the only reason I made the sacrifice, I honestly thought God had called me to it.

But when that tipping point slipped back over into oblivion, my belief, my confidence, my dreams, and my faith slipped with it.

I had honestly thought things were changing, that the sacrifice was about to pay off and God was opening doors and moving us into a new season of influence for his kingdom. Instead, we were shoved back into oblivion.

And that shove took its toll.

What do you do when you’re disappointed with God?

When you have done your best to serve him, only to have it thrown in your face?

When you have sacrificed so much with no pay-off?

When you have lost hope that God cares?

What do you do when hope is lost and you don’t know who you are anymore?

I don’t have the answers. I’m sitting in the dirt and dust of disappointment as I type, feeling my pain, letting it roll over me like the waves I now frequently visit, searching for some sort of reflection of myself and meaning behind the journey to this point.

To be honest, I struggle to even think that God is paying attention to what is going on in my world right now.

For now, my plan is to just write what I feel, what I see and what I experience. It may do nothing more than appease my need to vent, but at least it will be authentic and real.